


You are not alone

by Mememel



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Headaches & Migraines, Light Angst, Other, Park Seonghwa-centric, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:40:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28506849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mememel/pseuds/Mememel
Summary: Comeback is near and all members of Ateez are working extra hard for it. However, what happens when Seonghwa starts to worry too much about his abs and ends up overworking himself without telling his members?
Comments: 4
Kudos: 52





	You are not alone

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first fic ever and I am not good at writing so this might not be very good. However, I hope it is still ok ^^ Sorry for any mistake in advance and vote for Ateez on SMA!

"Seoghwa hyung, look! Atinys are all talking about your abs on twitter!" San said after the inception mv came out. 

"Yes hyung! Your abs look great! Atinys are all shocked!" Yeosang gave a thumb up to Seonghwa. All of them were gathered in the living room of their dorm, scrolling through the comments under their mv and also scrolling through twitter to see the fans' reaction.

"Ah, they are not only talking about me. Look! There are many fans talking about all of your expressions and Yeosang mini solo dance too!" Seonghwa replied. 

"Ahh my hyung, why so shy? Come on! Show me your abs!" Wooyoung started pulling up Seonghwa's shirt.

"Ya ya ya! Keep your hands to yourself!" Seonghwa hit Wooyoung's hands playfully. 

"But it is true though. You worked really hard for this comeback Seonghwa." Hongjoong said. 

"Ah, thanks." Seoghwa rubbed the back of his neck, feeling bashful at Hongjoong's compliment as Hongjoong isn't the type to compliment the members up front. 

"Alright, let's have an early night. Our comeback stage is near. We will need our energy for the next few days to practice!" Hongjoong said. 

With that all of them went back to their room to rest. Seonghwa was lying on his bed but he couldn't sleep. He was worried. He was worried about his abs not being define enough for the comeback stage. He did not want to disappoint atinys, especially since they are not able to meet them in real life due to the virus. He needed to give more than his best. He needed to make sure that his abs are always define and clear on camera. He had decided to workout extra hard to maintain his abs.

The next day, all of them started practicing the song, making sure all their movements are perfect and their expressions are on point. After a few rounds of practice, Seonghwa suddenly felt his abs not being as define as he thought to be when he was lifting his shirt during his part in inception. He wasn't sure if his eyes were playing tricks on him or his abs were really starting to lose its shape. It can be right? They were perfect yesterday. During their lunch time, they ordered jajangmyeon with sweet and sour pork. All of the members inhaled their noodles quickly. However, seonghwa was hesitant about it. He didn't want it to affect his abs. Don't get him wrong. He had a healthy diet in getting his abs. He ate healthy meals and workout just enough to not overwork himself. However, as the comeback stage is approaching, he was getting more anxious, worried that his efforts were not enough. He took a few bites of the noodle along with a few pieces of pork and decided to stop eating. 

“Anybody wants extra?” Seonghwa asked while placing his chopstick on top of the bowl. 

“Woah hyung, you sure about that? You still have a lot of noodles left.” Yunho asked with a worried expression. 

“Yea hyung, you barely ate any meat too.” Jongho picked up a piece of meat with his chopstick, wanting to feed Seonghwa. 

“Ahhh, I had a heavy breakfast.” He lied. “No worries, you guys can have it.” He gave a reassuring smile so that they will not be worried about him. 

“If you say so.” Mingi replied while taking some of Seonghwa’s noodles into his bowl though he wasn’t quite convinced of his hyung’s words. Yunho looked at Seonghwa with a worried expression. He was sure that he hadn’t seen Seonghwa having a heavy breakfast, or did he miss it? In the end, Yunho choose to believe that Seonghwa would approach them if he had any worries or needed any help. 

The next few days went by the same. Seonghwa not eating his meals. However, he knew that the rest would notice his strange behaviour if it keeps happening so he secretly put some of his food into his members’ plate when they were not paying attention. He could feel himself getting weaker but he chose to ignore it. 

Finally, it was their comeback stage. Everything went well. The members were happy and the fans were all crazy over the stage. Seonghwa went to check the fans’ response on twitter after being back at their dorm and he was happy with the response. 

“OMG SEONGHWA”S ABS!!!” “HIS ABS?! THEY ARE SO DEFINE!!” “HOW IS THIS MAN REAL???” Seonghwa smiled at the responses and was glad that his effort paid off.

“Hey Seonghwa hyung, your abs are looking great! They looked even more define.” Yunho said while watching the performance on his phone. 

“Yea, I was working out extra hard before the stage.” Seonghwa replied. And not eating as well. He said it mentally. 

“I hope you are having proper meals as well.” Yunho patted Seonghwa’s abs that were covered by his shirt. 

“Of course.” Seonghwa tried to reply as confident as he could. 

The next few inception stages were outstanding as well, however, Seonghwa noticed that his facial expressions and moves weren’t as good as he wanted them to be as he was focusing too much on his abs. It was also the fact that he was getting weaker but he chose to ignore that. He started to stay back after practice to practice more on his expressions and dance movements. He would then workout in the dorm late at night to maintain his abs. Seonghwa could feel his energy decreasing every time. With the amount food he was eating and the amount of work he was doing, his body won’t be able to take it much longer. But Seonghwa was too harsh on himself. He needed to be perfect. He couldn’t disappoint the fans and his members. Not when they expect so much from him for this comeback. So, he pushed through, always putting on a smile to hide his pain and tiredness so as to not worry anyone. Seonghwa was doing his usual workout routine at 2am in his shared room with Hongjoong when Hongjoong finally came back from the studio. 

“What the hell Seonghwa? What are you doing?” Hongjoong was shocked when he accidentally bumped his leg onto Seonghwa when walking towards his bed. 

“Ermm. Working out?” Seonghwa replied sheepishly. 

“Working out? This late? In the dark?” Hongjoong asked. Yes, Seonghwa did not on the light as he did not want any members to walk pass his room, realising that he was working out instead of sleeping. But oh wells, he was caught. He was expecting Hongjoong to be home at a later timing. 

“Yea, I couldn’t sleep.” He lied. He was too busy focusing on his dance and expression and hence forgetting to do his workout routine. 

Hongjoong turned on the light and Seonghwa was momentarily blinded by the sudden brightness. “Wow Seonghwa. Is it just me or is your waist getting thinner?” Hongjoong looked concerned upon having a better look at Seonghwa’s abs. Yes, Seonghwa was working out shirtless.

“It is just you and your tired brain. Now go to sleep and stop staring you creep.” Seonghwa tried to joke. 

One day, during their inception practice, Seonghwa suddenly felt dizzy, as if the room was spinning. He fell to the ground with a loud thud and his vision was momentarily taken over by blackness. He panicked internally by the sudden loss of vision. The rest were shocked and hurried to Seonghwa’s side. “Hyung! Are you alright?” Yunho asked while supporting him to a nearby chair. 

“Yea, I just lost my balance.” Seonghwa said while rapidly blinding his eyes to get his vision back. He tried to maintain a calm expression so that the members will not know that he couldn’t see at that moment. Seonghwa knew his vision will be back soon, within seconds or minutes as he was getting them often during the past few days. He did not want his members to worry about it. Soon, his vision was back, just as he expected.

“Are you sure hyung? Your face doesn’t look good.” Yeosang said while passing a water bottle to him.

“Yea hyung. You look really pale. You should take a break.” Jongho said.

“Its ok, I am fine.” Seonghwa replied after taking a sip of water.

“Why not we all take a 15 minutes break?” Hongjoong said.

Seonghwa wanted to protest, but knowing Hongjoong, he knew that he won’t be able to win so he sighed internally and all of them had a 15 minutes break.

For the rest of the practice, he could tell the members were all paying more attention to him and thus he forced himself to look ok and tried to put on a smile whenever he could to look fine, hoping it would convince his members. However, he felt like he was dying on the inside. He was exhausted. He felt like he could sleep if he laid onto the floor and he felt like he could really use a bowl of rice. But no. He can’t. For the sake of his abs, he can’t. He managed to endure it till the end of the practice. He slept throughout the ride back to the dorm, too tired to stay away and join in the conversation the rest of the boys were having. He was the first to shower due to the mini accident happened earlier during dance practice, all of them rushed Seonghwa to take the shower first so that he could have an early rest. Usually, he would protest, but right now, he was too tired. All he wanted was to sleep. He took a quick shower, which was unlike him, took a heat pad and went to bed. His body was aching, mind hurting and eyelids were heavy. He hugged the heat pad, which had help him relief some muscle ache and drifted to sleep shortly.

“Hongjoong hyung, do you think Seonghwa hyung is alright?” Yunho asked, as they stood by the bedroom door, watching Seonghwa as he fell asleep.

“This is very unlike hyung. He would usually spend some time with us in the dorm after practice or would watch his drama. But these few days, he went to bed so early. He seems to be very tired.” Yunho sighed.

“Yea, I would have to talk to him soon. Maybe tomorrow.” Hongjoong replied as he looked at Seonghwa. He could see Seonghwa frowning, even in his sleep, making him frowned too.

“But what do you mean by he is sleeping early for the past few days? He was working out in our room, in the dark, when I returned at 2am.” Hongjoong questioned.

“Really?” Yunho asked in surprised.

“Yea, he said he couldn’t sleep.”

“Oh no” Yunho gasped. “Don’t tell me he was secretly working out late at night all these whiles.” Yunho covered his mouth in shocked. “Do you think he would…”

“No, I don’t think he would be doing it today. He is too exhausted today.” Hongjoong answered Yunho’s unfinished question. “We really have to talk to him before he gets any worse.” With that, Hongjoong, closed the door, leaving Seonghwa to rest.

It was their rest day the next day and Seonghwa wanted to use the time to practice however, he was stopped by Hongjoong. “Nah ah. No one will practice today. We are supposed to rest and recharge ourselves. All of us had work hard for this comeback, so let’s give ourselves a little break so that we will have more energy for the remaining stages.” 

“Yea hyung, especially for you. You worked so hard for this comeback. You will need to rest, after what happened yesterday. We are going out for tteokbokki. Join us!” Yeosang said. 

Seonghwa’s eyes brighten and smiled upon hearing tteokbokki. He loves it. However, he then remembered about his abs. “It’s ok, you guys go ahead. I am too tired to leave the house.” Seonghwa said while trying to maintain his smile. Well, he wasn’t lying entirely. He was really drained. The stages along with his workouts, practice and meals were pushing his body to its limits. 

“Ok, but no practicing!” Hongjoong reminded him. 

“Yea yea.” Seonghwa sighed. Soon all of them left the dorm and Seonghwa was alone.

He went back to his bed trying to get some sleep but his mind was filled with worries. He was afraid that he wasn’t enough. He couldn’t stop thinking and it was stressing him out. He could feel his headache coming back. He was experiencing more headaches than usual for this comeback. He couldn’t sleep but he couldn’t stop thinking as well. He needed a distraction and that’s when he decided to clean. Seonghwa do enjoy cleaning to a certain extend and it helps to get his mind off stuff too. He started by vacuuming his room and wiping his table. There wasn’t much as he always kept his part neat and tidy. He decided to not touch Hongjoong’s stuff as Hongjoong once told him that he knows where his stuffs are. He then moved on to the living room He vacuumed the floor, the sofa and wiped all the shelves, tables and chairs. He was exhausted but he kept going because he was able to distract himself. An hour passed and he decided to move onto the kitchen. The kitchen was dirtier than usual as Wooyoung was cooking more often. As he was wiping the kitchen counter, he could feel his headache getting more intense. It was as if someone was crushing his skull. He couldn’t stand the pain. He looked through the drawer for the pain killer and found it. He then poured himself a glass of water for the medicine with shaky hands. He was tearing up. He felt so tired as if all energy had left his body, leaving him only the throbbing pain in his head. He felt so weak that he could not even lift up the glass of water to his mouth. He must have spent his remaining energy cleaning. Before he could place the pill into his mouth, his legs gave up and he collapsed. The last thing he heard was glass shattering and his world turned black.

Meanwhile...

The rest of ateez were enjoying their tteokbokki they had at a store they visited last time. They were talking about the fans responses for their comeback and were discussing to do a group vlive too. Then, Jongho started talking about Seonghwa. "I think Seonghwa hyung isn't eating well." Jongho suddenly said. 

"What you mean? Hyung always eat lunch with us. And it is understandable that he is not eating much because of his abs. But it is ok as long he is eating healthily." Wooyoung said while grabbing another piece of tteokbokki.

"But he just seems to be not eating well and he seems to be even more tired than before." Jongho countered, furrowing his eyebrows. 

"Yea, I think he is really pushing himself too much." Hongjoong sighed. "He was working out the day before when I reached home. And his waist seems to be even smaller even though he didn't admit to it. Why was he even working out at such late timing?" Even though Seonghwa told Hongjoong it was because he couldn't sleep, Hongjoong wasn't buying it. Especially when Seonghwa was avoiding his gaze when answering him.

"Yea, hyung looked like he really wanted to join us just now but resisted to it." Yeosang was worried as well as he recalled the look on Seonghwa's face. 

"Hyung, actually Seonghwa hyung has been going home later than us for some days. He stayed back to practice more till midnight during those days. I tried to talk to him but he just brushed it off" San said. 

"Yea we wanted to tell you about it but didn't have the chance." Wooyoung now put down his chopsticks, no longer having the appetite.

"No wonder he was working out that late. Since he spent most of his time practicing. We really need to talk to him before he pushes himself any further till his body breaks down." Mingi said. 

"Actually, I have something to say." Everyone now turns their attention to Yunho who was quiet the whole time. Yunho took a deep breathe before he continued. "Seonghwa hyung hasn't been eating."

"What do you mean? We all saw hyung eating lunch with us every day like Wooyoung said." Mingi replied, feeling confused at how Yunho came up with the conclusion. 

"Well, Seonghwa hyung has been putting his food in our plates when we weren't looking." Everyone was shocked when they heard that. 

"Yunho! Why didn't you tell us!" Wooyoung exclaimed. 

"Calm down Wooyoung. I am sure Yunho has his reasons. Right Yunho?" Hongjoong asked. 

Yunho nodded. "At first I wasn't sure when I first realised that my plate suddenly got more food at one point. I suspected Seonghwa hyung was putting food in my plate as his food got lesser so fast but I thought I was just thinking too much. But then, I started to observe hyung secretly and I saw him putting his food in our plates when we were not paying attention. I wanted to expose Seonghwa hyung at that moment but I realised he must be doing it for a reason and must be really stressed out and troubled to the point that he wasn't reaching out to us for help. Hence I decided to wait for the right time to speak to him which is today since it is our rest day." Yunho was looking sad after finishing.

"Now that you brought it up. It really seems like the food on my plate increases every time I looked back at it." Mingi said.

"Alright, why not we pack some tteokbokki back for Seonghwa and talk to him? Let's not pressure him into it alright? I am sure he is already pushing himself to the max." Hongjoong said. The rest nodded their heads and decided to head back to the dorm after buying some tteokbokki for Seonghwa.

"Hyung! We are home!" San called out cheerfully upon entering the dorm while the rest were following at the back.

"Yeah! And we bought your favourite tteokbokki for you!" Wooyoung shouted. However, they received no response. That's weird. Usually, Seonghwa would welcome them home or shout out a reply, however, they received silence in return. 

"Did hyung went out?" Yeosang asked and all of them had entered the dorm. 

"I don't think so. His shoes are here." Yunho pointed to his shoes. 

"I will check his room and the toilet." Mingi said as he started walking to the room, passing by the kitchen and not noticing that Seonghwa was lying down on the floor as he was being blocked by a table. 

The rest of the members settled down on the sofa in the living room. Jongho sat on the sofa and his eyebrows furrowed when he realised the living room was free of dust like it was being cleaned. "Did Seonghwa hyung cleaned the dorm? The table looks like it was being wiped." Jongho asked. 

"Hmm, now that you brought it up, it looks like it." Hongjoong said while wiping his finger across the table only to realised it was free of dust. 

"Hyung is not in any of the room or the toilet." Mingi said. 

"That's weird. Where did hyung go?" Yunho said walking walking towards the ktichen to pour himself a glass of water but stopped when he saw shattered glass on the floor. 

"What the- Hyung!" Yunho shouted when he saw Seonghwa lying on the kitchen floor, unconscious. Yunho carefully walked pass the broken pieces of glasses and kneel down beside Seonghwa. The rest quickly went to the kitchen upon hearing Yunho.  
"Omg! What happened?" Wooyoung exclaimed.

"Someone go get the vacuum to clear the glasses." Hongjoong said. 

“I will go and get it." And Jongho went to get the vacuum cleaner.

"Hyung's arm... " Yeosang said when he realised there were little cuts on Seonghwa's arm.

"It must be the glasses." San said.

"Hyung looks very pale. This isn't good." Wooyoung said, face full of worried. 

Yunho touched Seonghwa's forehead. "He is not having a fever." Yunho said.

"That's good but he must have pushed himself too hard this time." Hongjoong sighed. 

Yunho then found a pill on the floor. “Hyung must have been experiencing a headache.” He said while picking up the pill. 

Jongho came back with the vacuum and started to vacuum the glasses. Yunho then carried Seonghwa in a bridal style. He frowned. 

"What's wrong?" Mingi asked, afraid something bad happened to his hyung. 

“Seonghwa hyung is… so light.” Yunho was standing still with Seonghwa in his arm, trying to process how light Seonghwa was. He then proceeds to carry Seonghwa to his room and laid him in his bed. Yeosang entered the room with a first aid kit and passed it to Yunho who was kneeling beside the bed. There’s nothing serious about the wounds, just some very minor cuts but it is always good to be safe than sorry. 

“What should we do? Hyung looks so pale. What if he can’t continue with the comeback?” San spoke up while looking at Seonghwa. His eyebrows were knitted together even when he was unconscious, showing how stress he was. 

“Should we call the manager?” Mingi asked. 

“No.” Hongjoong shook his head. “I think we should wait for Seonghwa to wake up and see how he’s feeling first.” 

Soft. That’s what Seonghwa felt. Something soft. He then felt something on his hand. Another hand? He opened his eyes slowly and looked down on his hand. He saw Yunho holding his hand, head resting on the hands. He realised he was on his bed. He recalled wanting to have a pain killer but collapsed before he could have it. His headache wasn’t as bad as before but he could still feel some pain in his head. “Yunho.” He called out softly. 

“Hyung! You are awake!” Yunho shot his head up immediately upon hearing Seonghwa’s voice. “How are you feeling?” Yunho asked, still not letting go of his hand. 

“Much better. Thank you. Can you perhaps get me a pain killer? My head still hurt, though it is not that bad.” Seonghwa asked, giving a reassuring smile.

“Sure hyung.” Yunho gently placed Seonghwa’s hand onto the bed before getting pain killer from the kitchen.

While waiting, Seonghwa realised that the rest must have found him lying on the floor and they are going to question him what happened. What is he going to say? Seonghwa started to panic while thinking of excuses of what just happened, not knowing that the members already knew that he was skipping meal. Seonghwa’s headache intensified as he was stressing out on how to explain the situation to the rest. He sat up too quickly, only worsening the pain in his head and ran a hand through his head. Beads of sweat started to form on his forehead as his breath started to increase in pace. Just then, Yunho came back with a cup of water and pain killer in his hand. 

“Hyung!” He quickly put down the items on the table and went to Seonghwa’s side, trying to calm him down. 

“Hongjoong hyung!” Yunho shouted. “Something is wrong with Seonghwa hyung!” Yunho was holding onto Seonghwa’s wrist to prevent him from pulling his hair. Hongjoong quickly entered the room followed by the rest. 

“Seonghwa!” Hongjoong quickly rushed to Seonghwa’s side and took over Yunho’s place. “Seonghwa look at me.” Hongjoong said calmly while holding onto his hand. “Follow my breathing. In… out… in… out...” Seonghwa was starting to calm down and his breathing was back to normal.

“That’s it. You are doing great.” Hongjoong continued to guide Seonghwa with his breathing.

“Should we get the manager?” San asked after a minute past.

“No!” Seonghwa shouted, knowing that if they were to report it to their manager, he would have to sit out for the remaining of the promotion period. “I am ok now.” Seonghwa tried to said it as calmly as he could but his voice still quivered a bit especially when you have seven pairs of eyes looking at you. “Yunho, can I have the pill?” Seonghwa asked as the pain in his head wasn’t gone yet.

“Oh yea, there you go hyung.” Yunho passed him the pill and the glass of wate that he had placed on the table. 

“Thank you.” Seonghwa swallowed the pill and sighed in relief as he knew the pain will be gone soon.

“Why don’t we go to the living room?” Hongjoong asked. 

Seonghwa sighed and nodded, knowing that he can no longer run away from the situation and will have to provide them with an explanation. One by one, they left the room and Yunho supported Seonghwa as they enter the living room, fearing that Seonghwa might still be feeling weak. Once they settled on the sofa, with Seonghwa at the centre, between Hongjoong and Yunho, Hongjoong spoke up. “Seonghwa what happened?”

Seonghwa looked down onto the floor, avoiding all the glaze that were on him. 

“Yea hyung, Yunho said he saw you giving your food to us and not eating enough.” Wooyoung said, looking concerned. 

Seonghwa was embarrassed. He is the oldest. He was not supposed to cause worries but here he was. He felt so weak and useless. Why can’t his body take such little hardship? He wanted to cry but he forced his tears back. He can’t show anymore weakness to his members. He took a deep breathe and spoke up. “It was just a one-time thing. And I fainted due to the heacache I had out of nowhere. There is nothing to worry about.”

Yeosang frowned. “Hyung, you know that we all know what you are thinking. Being the oldest doesn’t mean you have to keep all the worries to yourself.”

“Yes hyung. You need to tell us what’s wrong so we can help. You are not a burden and sharing your problem doesn’t make you weak.” Jongho said.

“We are here for you hyung.” Yunho placed his hand over Seonghwa’s, encouraging him to open up.

With that, Seonghwa could no longer pretend to be strong and he broke down. He started to cry and brought his hands up to cover his eyes so that he does not have to see their reaction. The members were heart broken. They didn’t know Seonghwa was going through so much, alone. 

“It was just that- the fans- they have so much expectation-“ Seonghwa sobbed. “And I- I- do not want to disappoint them- especially since they won’t be able to see us in real life.” He stopped in between to take some breathe. “And- I was afraid that- that- my abs will be gone if I start to eat- so I decided to eat much lesser. I am- I am- sorry.” Seonghwa hung his head low, ashamed. Suddenly, he was pulled into a tight hug. Yunho was hugging him. 

“Don’t be sorry hyung. It is not your fault.”

“Yes Seonghwa, don’t blame yourself.” Hongjoong rubbed his back in a comforting manner.

“In fact, we are the ones that should be sorry. We didn’t notice that you were suffering so much.” Mingi said, feeling guilty.

“No. I pushed you guys away. It wasn’t your fault.” Seonghwa shook his head, releasing from the hug.

“But hyung, why were you cleaning? It is our rest day. You should be resting.” Yeosang asked.

“I was too stress and wanted to take my mind off the thoughts and cleaning helps. But the headache got worse that I collapsed.” Seonghwa replied, eyebrows knitted together as he recalled the event.

“Was it because of your stress? Your headache?” Hongjoong asked. Seonghwa nodded. San moved towards Seonghwa and kneeled onto the floor, in front of him. 

“Hyung, don’t ever do his again. You had all of us worried.” San said while resting his head on Seonghwa’s lap. 

“I am sorry Sanie.” Seonghwa patted his head. “I am sorry that I had all of you worried. I thought that I could handle it alone.” Seonghwa said, feeling guilty that he had made his members sad and worried. 

“No more apologising. Now group hug!” Wooyoung yelled and all of them came rushing to Seonghwa, hugging. Seonghwa felt warm, physically and in his heart. He was glad that he has such caring and understanding members.


End file.
